savoy050

Today I filed for Social Security Disability.  Crohn's disease and all the problems I have managing my day to day life because of it has pushed the decision.  I met with a lawyer back in December but today was my actual application date.  I should be denied in about 3 to 5 months so I can appeal and try again.  This process can actually be done over the phone with an actual person.  The woman I spoke to was really nice. But one word kept coming up as I described my condition to her - humiliating.  I was surprised that was the word I kept using too, but it just kept coming out of my mouth.  I guess I am feeling kind of humiliated lately because of my Crohn's.  My belly hurts a lot lately and I've been going to the bathroom a ton.  I have an appointment with Dr. GI next week so hopefully he can help somehow.  I took Entocort for one month and I stopped going so much.  I had increased stomach pain but the diarrhea at lease slowed down....

My cousin has an awesome blog ( jenndsblog.blogspot.com - READ IT!!) about all of her illnesses (must run in the family).  She had a great blog post a while back that I am stealing.  Thanks Jenn, I love you!! http://jenndsblog.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-spoon-theory.html Oh, and....

I cry every day. I yell all the time and take my frustration out on the people I love the most. I'm sorry. I'm sad every day. I fake feeling okay - physically and emotionally. I know I'm not alone but it feels like I am. My anger consumes me. I know I'm crazy or I wouldn't be on so much medicine. I am stuck because nothing and no one can help me. I'm still tired of being stuck though. I used to be so independent.  Never needed anyone for anything.  Now all I need is help. I remember not being sick. I miss that me. I miss things because I am sick and because people assume I will be sick. That's not fair. I'm different.  I'm the "sick one".  Why can't be the smart one or the strong one or the healthy one? I miss my friends. I feel totally worthless because I am sick.  My sickness is kicking my ass. I'm empty inside because all I do is poop. There is nothing inside me but pain. I'm too tense to let go.  Besides, I'd shit myself...